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Where the neck turns, the head goes: Recap of Happily Ever After S05E06

Who wants to marry a stupid bitch?
Does anyone else need this show this week to salve the seeping wound of 2020? I do. So let’s recap this bitch!
Jess is realizing that Larissa’s warning might be truth in reporting, as Debbie flounces around slamming doors, and Colt makes excuses for her by saying that she’s tired, drenched in boob sweat, and thousands of miles from where everything has been exactly the same for forty years. Jess and Colt go out to dinner, and Colt says he got a second hotel room, so they can have sex. Has he mentioned they’re having the sex? Jess tries to suss out why Debbie detonated shortly after hello, and Colt says that she’s over-protective, which is something Jess should know about, since she lost a parent, too. Instead Jess insists that she somehow was able to become an adult anyway, and then calls him a baby man, and he says that’s not fair; he prefers man-baby. Jess is nervous about introducing Colt to her family members, because they’re fun and he’s Colt, but at least there’s only one of him. Oh wait, Debbie. Jess ponders whether getting Debbie shit-faced will inspire a personality to emerge, and Colt just gives her his constipated kitten face, and says sex again.
In case you were wondering, Jess and Colt have sex. We revisit this topic when Colt wakes up and goes to fluff his mother. Debbie is eating breakfast, demanding to know why she was left alone in the room after demanding to be left alone in the room. Colt says that they were having sex, and Jess is kind of loud, but there’s no one to rescue her no matter her screams. He asks Debbie to make some effort to know Jess, since Debs reportedly went with him on this adventure in order to meet her. Debbie says that she was barely there an hour and Jess and Colt were already talking about their hypothetical children, and Debbie did not expect Colt to have a future. Colt is starting to think his mother is just there to sabotage he and Jess, and he says, “I understand you’re tired, but you don’t have to be an asshole.”
“YES I DO!” Debbie retorts. “I’m done! I’M DONE!”
Colt asks what Debbie thinks of Jess so far, and Debbie says, without irony: “I spent ten minutes with her…she seems to have a goal, or a plan.” Colt asks her to get to know her, and Debbie asks if that means leaving the hotel or enjoying herself, and Colt assures her she can just drain the beach of joy instead.
Jess knows Debbie is coming by how the temperature drops and the sun starts to darken. Debbie’s cautious, because in her view Larissa used Colt, and the part where Colt used Larissa right back totes didn’t happen. After a few antagonistic growling statements because Colt is in danger of having a life, Debbie says they need to get along, while doing nothing to be friendly. Debs thinks it’s strange that Colt went from one Brazilian to the next, and never considers for a second this is because Colt likes Brazilian women. Jess is now convinced that Larissa was telling her the truth about Debbie. She tries to find some joy in Debbie, and again asserts the importance of getting Debbie drunk. This will not end well. Nancy Reagan should have solicited Debbie’s services for her war on drugs, because no matter your level of intoxication, Debbie will kill your buzz.
Good news! Hot lawyer Adam is back, and an unbelievably healthy fiddle leaf fig guest stars from the hallway. Larissa is there to put in a job application, I guess. Larissa is pretty sure Adam’s wife wouldn’t like her as his assistant, due to what she would be assisting him with. She’s hoping to get her charges reduced to disorderly conduct, so she can get the third punch in her domestic violence card later. Adam hopes the camera folks are getting his good angle, which is all of his angles, and is pleased with the surge of business he’s enjoying from people who don’t seem to have any legal problems at all. His wife has questions, sure, but the answer is in that new boat, and sure he’ll do another season. He asks Larissa if she wants to put him on retainer or what, and she says her teeth are fine, so he invoices the producers directly.
Larissa and Eric are still pretending to date. The best part of this scene is the unplanned crotch flash that happens when Larissa elegantly crams her hand between her legs to yank the chair forward. Once seated, they hope to have the most boring conversation possible, and they succeed. The only interesting part of this scene is watching Larissa attempt to eat when she can’t feel her lips, which inspires food to dangle helplessly from her lower pucker before taking a dive.
Libby is ready to complain for the duration of their wedding venue hunt, and Andrei plans to dust off a fresh batch of insults for the occasion. She’s uneasy about putting Eleanor in car time-out with Father Andrei while they look at a place, especially since they forgot to crack the windows. Andrei calls her OCD, and says in Moldova people don’t suffocate like pussy Americans. Do you think these two know that they’re already married, and this is just extra for Andrei’s family? Will someone tell them?
The first venue is a casino strip mall, and Libby hates it before they even arrive. Libby considers the venue a cross between a bowling alley in 1973 and the Louisville airport (present day) — two places more appealing than the backseat of a car driven by these two, and yes, I’d book it. After Libby is done looking around with a disgusted expression, the poor woman showing them around invites them to look at delicious photos of food, which is too extreme of a diet for Libby. Andrei is stoked on the menu, while Libby expresses concern that there isn’t any picnic fare, and not a red SOLO cup in sight. Libby is nervous about her family having to acknowledge that they’re in a different country, so she lies and says Americans have cheeseburgers and fried chicken at weddings, because nothing classes up casino nuptials like greasy food dribbling down your titty-popping dress. Andrei helpfully points out that there’s a McDonald’s across the street, and Libby doesn’t say, “maybe you should pick up a job application,” but she should have. Instead she hunts for a fresh way to express displeasure without actually doing anything about it.
Libby declares the venue bullshit, and walks out so they can have an exit fight. She says her family has a lot of concerns…I’ll just leave it at that, since it covers every season of their story. Andrei accuses her of being hangry, and says they should stop and get food, but Libby hasn’t hated this venue enough yet. She pops off about not wanting to book any place where they can’t taste the food first (fair enough), and Andrei says she’s fucking annoying. Libby demands that he stop interrupting her when she’s being annoying, and this inspires him to interrupt her some more, and then again, until Libby walks away in disgust, which is a nice drumroll to her doing whatever this insecure, nutless, knuckle dragger wants in the next scene.
Libby says their disagreements are an every day thing, but yes, he’s acting different in Moldova. Why is she working for her dad when she could take this spin to a PR firm? All the same, this fight apparently evaporated into the air, because it’s not mentioned again when they check out venue #2, which looks exactly like the sort of venue Libby would choose. Libby = if Bed, Bath, and Beyond were a person. Andrei = if leather trench coats were a person. They bring out shot glasses of meat and other delicacies, which Libby declares good, and Andrei translates the cost as around $6,400. Andrei then says it doesn’t matter the cost, her dad is going to pay it. This man became entitled in record time, and I suppose this is what happens when your only financial planning is asking dad. Why does she want to marry him once, let alone twice? Was all his responsibility in his old haircut?
Andrei, his parents, and Libby are all cramming poor defenseless Eleanor into a stroller. She tries to escape, then realizes she should probably learn to walk first. Andrei shows her the neighborhood where he grew up, and the cameras race to see who can capture the most destitute part first. He said they used to break windows for fun, and Libby is confused, and Andrei says this was just a test to see if she was paying attention. What they really did was roll unguarded construction equipment into the road. They arrive at a park and take a photo by a tree. Apparently, the park is “on the older side” which in the PacNW is considered an asset, but not for Libby’s plastic coated life, and she’s a little bit concerned about germs. Seriously, is this her first kid exposure? My godson at one point licked a metal railing up and down with no pants on, while his sister sat on the ground trying to eat cedar chips. Sure, all the adults around them got sympathetic staph infections, but those two were just fine.
Mother Andrei asks if Libby has anything negative to contribute, and of course she does. Father Andrei says even though their “standards are lower compared to America,” they still love their country. Then Libby is asked to say something negative to further alienate Andrei’s family, so she says her family has no filter, because she doesn’t know that passive-aggression is a filter. Mother Andrei doesn’t believe that he planned the wedding last minute so her family couldn’t come, and Libby doesn’t understand why Mother Andrei isn’t on her team, after insulting her country and warning her about how horrible her family is.
“This is kind of starting to piss me off,” Low adds, and I concur, Low. I concur.
So in the next scene, Libby draws a hard line and HA HA HA good one. After another empty, sassy interview, Libby is ready to convert to the religion she can’t even name, and has zero curiosity about, but hey, let’s laugh at the guy carrying corn. The baptism requires her to dress in white along with a veil, and she asks if the men have to wear them too, because she’s going for superficially empowered “I’m not a feminist, but…” for this round. 1.) You know men don’t have to wear them, stop it. 2.) You don’t have to wear it either. The way you do this, is stop following this chode’s orders. But fuck that! Instead she does a little stand-turn-blow away the devil-turn-splash-Jesus! The priest puts a cross around her neck, and walks in a circle around the table, alongside Andrei’s sister-in-law Ina, who clearly hates Libby. Then the priest cuts off a lock of Libby’s hair, because Paul promised to pay top dollar for that shit.
“All of this seems very dated, and I want to be seen on the same level as men,” Libby states. “I don’t want to actually be on the same level, just perceived that way.”
Afterwards they all go out for dinner along with Libby’s negativity, so Andrei can offer more of his selective translation services about how men are from mars, women are from Venus. Libby doesn’t wear the cross she was just handed, and the family is concerned because it attaches a guardian angel…which she doesn’t know, because she doesn’t give a shit. Andrei says that goes to show he has to tell her everything. His brother is unimpressed with Andrei’s toxic masculinity, and seems to be noticing that Andrei is compensating for being a housewife by regurgitating man-meat stereotypes, and he should confine that shit to Reddit like a man.
Ina thinks gender expectations are fun, and Andrei lies and says he wants to earn money, but Libby convinced him otherwise. She then declares it was Libby’s responsibility to direct Andrei. “Women are the neck and men are the head,” she explains. “Where the neck turns, the head goes.” Andrei translates this as “the man is the brains, and the woman is the neck. The brain chokes the life out of neck, then tells it turn goddammit. Also, blow jobs and football. Monster trucks. Beef. How am I manning?”
“My family has always encouraged women to be very independent,” says that woman living off of her father’s money and doing everything her husband says. “I have no self-awareness, and I’ll have to put him in his place!” Libby lies, in sassy.
Angela is planning a wedding in a few weeks, and describes it as a job. Michael wakes her up and she starts getting out of bed, and says, “I’m trying to cover my cooter right now.” She is all business, while Michael is horny, probably because she triggered his junk with that super hot cooter line. Angela shows Michael that she got him not one but two suits for the wedding, and he’s shocked at the price of them, and the utter style of the purple suit. He does this weird ecstatic marriage dance on the bed, which is the second awkward dance of the season, so they have to be getting a bonus for these. Either way, it makes Angela laugh, but ha ha ha don’t get too comfortable.
Michael is taking her to meet the ex-pats. He’s been hearing about life in America from them, and he’s nervous. Michael explains that they have dual citizenship, which Angela insists on pronouncing “dool.” They warned him about segregation in certain places, and how black folks are routinely executed without trial by police. Angela fails to note that black folks might have a different perspective of American life than hers, and thinks Michael should just watch that July 4th parade on the VHS tape she sent him over and over, until his Murica tank is USA, and his Donald Trump underpants breed in his drawer. Then he says something about her staying in Nigeria instead, and come on dude, she’s got six grandkids she’s caring for a dying mother.
“That’s a no for me. Unless I can’t get another season of Happily Ever After, and need to make a play for The Other Way. Then maybe, if I get to spend most of the season deciding.” I see you, Angela.
Angela apparently didn’t watch the show last season, because she’s surprised to learn that his friends are women. The minute she sees them she goes from menthols to Lucky Strike, declares their relationship a wrap (again) and gets in the car for more incoherent screaming. Come the fuck on. This dude was dancing on the bed about marrying her fifteen minutes ago. Can’t she just enjoy her relationship already? This leaves all of Michael’s friends shocked, and all of us at home wondering if her storyline is ever going to get more complicated.
In their next scene Angela is still exploding, and Michael doesn’t say anything, because what’s the point.
“I’m not a stupid woman,” she lies. “Who wants to marry a stupid bitch?” Michael, apparently.
She gets a phone call from Skyla, who reports grandma is living in a fantasy world and doesn’t make much sense, which means she and Angela have a lot in common. Angela explains that this is dementia, and Skyla suspects it’s related to Mother Angela pulling out her oxygen the night before. Between the stress and her smoking habits, Angela is on the fast track to a heart attack, and Michael just wants her to calm down. After this phone conversation Angela tells Michael that this is the type of stress she’s been under, and she’s scared she might not see her mother again. This is sort of like apologizing, but not. She tells Michael she still wants to get married, and Michael is happy he’ll live to be verbally battered another day.
Asuelu says things are really tense, and no one wants to talk to him because he specifically asked everyone not to talk to him. Low wants to take him for a walk with the dog, so he can show him where he plans to bury his body. He asks Asuelu what’s going on, and Asuelu says that no one is interested in hearing his side. Low knows that Samoan culture is different, and is glad he has that personal experience so they have a better chance of understanding each other. Asuelu says that conversation was all a big misunderstanding, because he meant to call Kalani a bitch at least twice. He adds that sometimes he says things in English that don’t make sense, because he simply doesn’t know English well enough to correct any gaffs. Low says that’s not acceptable, and it ruined Oliver’s birthday party, and there are consequences for behaving that way. Asuelu asks, “Like time-out?” And Low says nope, it’s big-boy danger, like a good old-fashion Samoan ass-whooping, and he needs to apologize to Kalani. Low is getting fed up with the chances he’s given Asuelu, and he says he’s trying his best not to get violent, but he’s going to have to learn how to treat his wife.
For his part, Asuelu seems lighter after this conversation, since Low did listen to him before offering advice in a compassionate manner. So he wants to prove to Low that he meant what he said, and will go and apologize to Kalani, and will try to be a better father and husband…when Low is around. Otherwise he plans to pout on a swing set eating a snow cone or something.
Syngin calls his brother Dylan, since he just found out Dylan was in the ICU with a blood clot. The clot started after a knee injury, and the clot traveled up to his lungs, which is the last step before it reaches the heart and causes death. Dylan says he’s lucky to be alive, and fuck, this dude is only 25 years old. Syngin says he’s very close to his brother, and he was trapped in the states (alone) on the K-1 when his Gran died, and realizes he’d go crazy if he couldn’t be there for his brother. Dylan admits he’s craving some comforting, and Syngin says he’ll try to figure out a way to travel to South Africa. Dylan asks if he’ll bring Tania, and Syngin isn’t sure, because they’ve been having some problems, and he might be using this trip to disappear forever.
Syngin meets with Tania after physical therapy for her own knee injury, and she reveals that the doctor said she should be walking a lot better, so she should probably try to, you know, walk. Syngin confesses he really wants to go to South Africa to be with his brother, but he doesn’t know if their financial limits allow for it. In a shocking twist, Tania 100% understands his need to see his brother, and admits she would respond the same way with her own family, so she’s supportive of his travel plans. This apparently shocks Syngin, too, because instead of stating he’d rather go alone he asks if she’d like to come, and reminds her that she’s his family, too. It’s Tania’s turn to be surprised, since she was thinking what the rest of us at home were: he’s going to bounce. She’s a bit uneasy about joining him, since they’re still having problems, and isn’t flying with a leg injury something that increases the likelihood of a blood clot of her own? I’m not a doctor, but I do know traveling around South Africa with another person literally on your back is a great way to confuse the locals, and all of us at home.
NEXT WEEK: Libby’s dad and bro arrive to be verbally abused by ingrate Andrei while Libby makes faces, Paul continues to deliver on the slapstick by dropping an air conditioner out a window, Michael thinks Angela is going to cook and both of them run from a fly-covered goat head, and Debbie drains the marrow of everyone in Jess’ family.
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Where the neck turns, the head goes: recap of Happily Ever After S05E06

Who wants to marry a stupid bitch?
Does anyone else need this show this week to salve the seeping wound of 2020? I do. So let’s recap this bitch!
Jess is realizing that Larissa’s warning might be truth in reporting, as Debbie flounces around slamming doors, and Colt makes excuses for her by saying that she’s tired, drenched in boob sweat, and thousands of miles from where everything has been exactly the same for forty years. Jess and Colt go out to dinner, and Colt says he got a second hotel room, so they can have sex. Has he mentioned they’re having the sex? Jess tries to suss out why Debbie detonated shortly after hello, and Colt says that she’s over-protective, which is something Jess should know about, since she lost a parent, too. Instead Jess insists that she somehow was able to become an adult anyway, and then calls him a baby man, and he says that’s not fair; he prefers man-baby. Jess is nervous about introducing Colt to her family members, because they’re fun and he’s Colt, but at least there’s only one of him. Oh wait, Debbie. Jess ponders whether getting Debbie shit-faced will inspire a personality to emerge, and Colt just gives her his constipated kitten face, and says sex again.
In case you were wondering, Jess and Colt have sex. We revisit this topic when Colt wakes up and goes to fluff his mother. Debbie is eating breakfast, demanding to know why she was left alone in the room after demanding to be left alone in the room. Colt says that they were having sex, and Jess is kind of loud, but there’s no one to rescue her no matter her screams. He asks Debbie to make some effort to know Jess, since Debs reportedly went with him on this adventure in order to meet her. Debbie says that she was barely there an hour and Jess and Colt were already talking about their hypothetical children, and Debbie did not expect Colt to have a future. Colt is starting to think his mother is just there to sabotage he and Jess, and he says, “I understand you’re tired, but you don’t have to be an asshole.”
“YES I DO!” Debbie retorts. “I’m done! I’M DONE!”
Colt asks what Debbie thinks of Jess so far, and Debbie says, without irony: “I spent ten minutes with her…she seems to have a goal, or a plan.” Colt asks her to get to know her, and Debbie asks if that means leaving the hotel or enjoying herself, and Colt assures her she can just drain the beach of joy instead.
Jess knows Debbie is coming by how the temperature drops and the sun starts to darken. Debbie’s cautious, because in her view Larissa used Colt, and the part where Colt used Larissa right back totes didn’t happen. After a few antagonistic growling statements because Colt is in danger of having a life, Debbie says they need to get along, while doing nothing to be friendly. Debs thinks it’s strange that Colt went from one Brazilian to the next, and never considers for a second this is because Colt likes Brazilian women. Jess is now convinced that Larissa was telling her the truth about Debbie. She tries to find some joy in Debbie, and again asserts the importance of getting Debbie drunk. This will not end well. Nancy Reagan should have solicited Debbie’s services for her war on drugs, because no matter your level of intoxication, Debbie will kill your buzz.
Good news! Hot lawyer Adam is back, and an unbelievably healthy fiddle leaf fig guest stars from the hallway. Larissa is there to put in a job application, I guess. Larissa is pretty sure Adam’s wife wouldn’t like her as his assistant, due to what she would be assisting him with. She’s hoping to get her charges reduced to disorderly conduct, so she can get the third punch in her domestic violence card later. Adam hopes the camera folks are getting his good angle, which is all of his angles, and is pleased with the surge of business he’s enjoying from people who don’t seem to have any legal problems at all. His wife has questions, sure, but the answer is in that new boat, and sure he’ll do another season. He asks Larissa if she wants to put him on retainer or what, and she says her teeth are fine, so he invoices the producers directly.
Larissa and Eric are still pretending to date. The best part of this scene is the unplanned crotch flash that happens when Larissa elegantly crams her hand between her legs to yank the chair forward. Once seated, they hope to have the most boring conversation possible, and they succeed. The only interesting part of this scene is watching Larissa attempt to eat when she can’t feel her lips, which inspires food to dangle helplessly from her lower pucker before taking a dive.
Libby is ready to complain for the duration of their wedding venue hunt, and Andrei plans to dust off a fresh batch of insults for the occasion. She’s uneasy about putting Eleanor in car time-out with Father Andrei while they look at a place, especially since they forgot to crack the windows. Andrei calls her OCD, and says in Moldova people don’t suffocate like pussy Americans. Do you think these two know that they’re already married, and this is just extra for Andrei’s family? Will someone tell them?
The first venue is a casino strip mall, and Libby hates it before they even arrive. Libby considers the venue a cross between a bowling alley in 1973 and the Louisville airport (present day) — two places more appealing than the backseat of a car driven by these two, and yes, I’d book it. After Libby is done looking around with a disgusted expression, the poor woman showing them around invites them to look at delicious photos of food, which is too extreme of a diet for Libby. Andrei is stoked on the menu, while Libby expresses concern that there isn’t any picnic fare, and not a red SOLO cup in sight. Libby is nervous about her family having to acknowledge that they’re in a different country, so she lies and says Americans have cheeseburgers and fried chicken at weddings, because nothing classes up casino nuptials like greasy food dribbling down your titty-popping dress. Andrei helpfully points out that there’s a McDonald’s across the street, and Libby doesn’t say, “maybe you should pick up a job application,” but she should have. Instead she hunts for a fresh way to express displeasure without actually doing anything about it.
Libby declares the venue bullshit, and walks out so they can have an exit fight. She says her family has a lot of concerns…I’ll just leave it at that, since it covers every season of their story. Andrei accuses her of being hangry, and says they should stop and get food, but Libby hasn’t hated this venue enough yet. She pops off about not wanting to book any place where they can’t taste the food first (fair enough), and Andrei says she’s fucking annoying. Libby demands that he stop interrupting her when she’s being annoying, and this inspires him to interrupt her some more, and then again, until Libby walks away in disgust, which is a nice drumroll to her doing whatever this insecure, nutless, knuckle dragger wants in the next scene.
Libby says their disagreements are an every day thing, but yes, he’s acting different in Moldova. Why is she working for her dad when she could take this spin to a PR firm? All the same, this fight apparently evaporated into the air, because it’s not mentioned again when they check out venue #2, which looks exactly like the sort of venue Libby would choose. Libby = if Bed, Bath, and Beyond were a person. Andrei = if leather trench coats were a person. They bring out shot glasses of meat and other delicacies, which Libby declares good, and Andrei translates the cost as around $6,400. Andrei then says it doesn’t matter the cost, her dad is going to pay it. This man became entitled in record time, and I suppose this is what happens when your only financial planning is asking dad. Why does she want to marry him once, let alone twice? Was all his responsibility in his old haircut?
Andrei, his parents, and Libby are all cramming poor defenseless Eleanor into a stroller. She tries to escape, then realizes she should probably learn to walk first. Andrei shows her the neighborhood where he grew up, and the cameras race to see who can capture the most destitute part first. He said they used to break windows for fun, and Libby is confused, and Andrei says this was just a test to see if she was paying attention. What they really did was roll unguarded construction equipment into the road. They arrive at a park and take a photo by a tree. Apparently, the park is “on the older side” which in the PacNW is considered an asset, but not for Libby’s plastic coated life, and she’s a little bit concerned about germs. Seriously, is this her first kid exposure? My godson at one point licked a metal railing up and down with no pants on, while his sister sat on the ground trying to eat cedar chips. Sure, all the adults around them got sympathetic staph infections, but those two were just fine.
Mother Andrei asks if Libby has anything negative to contribute, and of course she does. Father Andrei says even though their “standards are lower compared to America,” they still love their country. Then Libby is asked to say something negative to further alienate Andrei’s family, so she says her family has no filter, because she doesn’t know that passive-aggression is a filter. Mother Andrei doesn’t believe that he planned the wedding last minute so her family couldn’t come, and Libby doesn’t understand why Mother Andrei isn’t on her team, after insulting her country and warning her about how horrible her family is.
“This is kind of starting to piss me off,” Low adds, and I concur, Low. I concur.
So in the next scene, Libby draws a hard line and HA HA HA good one. After another empty, sassy interview, Libby is ready to convert to the religion she can’t even name, and has zero curiosity about, but hey, let’s laugh at the guy carrying corn. The baptism requires her to dress in white along with a veil, and she asks if the men have to wear them too, because she’s going for superficially empowered “I’m not a feminist, but…” for this round. 1.) You know men don’t have to wear them, stop it. 2.) You don’t have to wear it either. The way you do this, is stop following this chode’s orders. But fuck that! Instead she does a little stand-turn-blow away the devil-turn-splash-Jesus! The priest puts a cross around her neck, and walks in a circle around the table, alongside Andrei’s sister-in-law Ina, who clearly hates Libby. Then the priest cuts off a lock of Libby’s hair, because Paul promised to pay top dollar for that shit.
“All of this seems very dated, and I want to be seen on the same level as men,” Libby states. “I don’t want to actually be on the same level, just perceived that way.”
Afterwards they all go out for dinner along with Libby’s negativity, so Andrei can offer more of his selective translation services about how men are from mars, women are from Venus. Libby doesn’t wear the cross she was just handed, and the family is concerned because it attaches a guardian angel…which she doesn’t know, because she doesn’t give a shit. Andrei says that goes to show he has to tell her everything. His brother is unimpressed with Andrei’s toxic masculinity, and seems to be noticing that Andrei is compensating for being a housewife by regurgitating man-meat stereotypes, and he should confine that shit to Reddit like a man.
Ina thinks gender expectations are fun, and Andrei lies and says he wants to earn money, but Libby convinced him otherwise. She then declares it was Libby’s responsibility to direct Andrei. “Women are the neck and men are the head,” she explains. “Where the neck turns, the head goes.” Andrei translates this as “the man is the brains, and the woman is the neck. The brain chokes the life out of neck, then tells it turn goddammit. Also, blow jobs and football. Monster trucks. Beef. How am I manning?”
“My family has always encouraged women to be very independent,” says that woman living off of her father’s money and doing everything her husband says. “I have no self-awareness, and I’ll have to put him in his place!” Libby lies, in sassy.
Angela is planning a wedding in a few weeks, and describes it as a job. Michael wakes her up and she starts getting out of bed, and says, “I’m trying to cover my cooter right now.” She is all business, while Michael is horny, probably because she triggered his junk with that super hot cooter line. Angela shows Michael that she got him not one but two suits for the wedding, and he’s shocked at the price of them, and the utter style of the purple suit. He does this weird ecstatic marriage dance on the bed, which is the second awkward dance of the season, so they have to be getting a bonus for these. Either way, it makes Angela laugh, but ha ha ha don’t get too comfortable.
Michael is taking her to meet the ex-pats. He’s been hearing about life in America from them, and he’s nervous. Michael explains that they have dual citizenship, which Angela insists on pronouncing “dool.” They warned him about segregation in certain places, and how black folks are routinely executed without trial by police. Angela fails to note that black folks might have a different perspective of American life than hers, and thinks Michael should just watch that July 4th parade on the VHS tape she sent him over and over, until his Murica tank is USA, and his Donald Trump underpants breed in his drawer. Then he says something about her staying in Nigeria instead, and come on dude, she’s got six grandkids she’s caring for a dying mother.
“That’s a no for me. Unless I can’t get another season of Happily Ever After, and need to make a play for The Other Way. Then maybe, if I get to spend most of the season deciding.” I see you, Angela.
Angela apparently didn’t watch the show last season, because she’s surprised to learn that his friends are women. The minute she sees them she goes from menthols to Lucky Strike, declares their relationship a wrap (again) and gets in the car for more incoherent screaming. Come the fuck on. This dude was dancing on the bed about marrying her fifteen minutes ago. Can’t she just enjoy her relationship already? This leaves all of Michael’s friends shocked, and all of us at home wondering if her storyline is ever going to get more complicated.
In their next scene Angela is still exploding, and Michael doesn’t say anything, because what’s the point.
“I’m not a stupid woman,” she lies. “Who wants to marry a stupid bitch?” Michael, apparently.
She gets a phone call from Skyla, who reports grandma is living in a fantasy world and doesn’t make much sense, which means she and Angela have a lot in common. Angela explains that this is dementia, and Skyla suspects it’s related to Mother Angela pulling out her oxygen the night before. Between the stress and her smoking habits, Angela is on the fast track to a heart attack, and Michael just wants her to calm down. After this phone conversation Angela tells Michael that this is the type of stress she’s been under, and she’s scared she might not see her mother again. This is sort of like apologizing, but not. She tells Michael she still wants to get married, and Michael is happy he’ll live to be verbally battered another day.
Asuelu says things are really tense, and no one wants to talk to him because he specifically asked everyone not to talk to him. Low wants to take him for a walk with the dog, so he can show him where he plans to bury his body. He asks Asuelu what’s going on, and Asuelu says that no one is interested in hearing his side. Low knows that Samoan culture is different, and is glad he has that personal experience so they have a better chance of understanding each other. Asuelu says that conversation was all a big misunderstanding, because he meant to call Kalani a bitch at least twice. He adds that sometimes he says things in English that don’t make sense, because he simply doesn’t know English well enough to correct any gaffs. Low says that’s not acceptable, and it ruined Oliver’s birthday party, and there are consequences for behaving that way. Asuelu asks, “Like time-out?” And Low says nope, it’s big-boy danger, like a good old-fashion Samoan ass-whooping, and he needs to apologize to Kalani. Low is getting fed up with the chances he’s given Asuelu, and he says he’s trying his best not to get violent, but he’s going to have to learn how to treat his wife.
For his part, Asuelu seems lighter after this conversation, since Low did listen to him before offering advice in a compassionate manner. So he wants to prove to Low that he meant what he said, and will go and apologize to Kalani, and will try to be a better father and husband…when Low is around. Otherwise he plans to pout on a swing set eating a snow cone or something.
Syngin calls his brother Dylan, since he just found out Dylan was in the ICU with a blood clot. The clot started after a knee injury, and the clot traveled up to his lungs, which is the last step before it reaches the heart and causes death. Dylan says he’s lucky to be alive, and fuck, this dude is only 25 years old. Syngin says he’s very close to his brother, and he was trapped in the states (alone) on the K-1 when his Gran died, and realizes he’d go crazy if he couldn’t be there for his brother. Dylan admits he’s craving some comforting, and Syngin says he’ll try to figure out a way to travel to South Africa. Dylan asks if he’ll bring Tania, and Syngin isn’t sure, because they’ve been having some problems, and he might be using this trip to disappear forever.
Syngin meets with Tania after physical therapy for her own knee injury, and she reveals that the doctor said she should be walking a lot better, so she should probably try to, you know, walk. Syngin confesses he really wants to go to South Africa to be with his brother, but he doesn’t know if their financial limits allow for it. In a shocking twist, Tania 100% understands his need to see his brother, and admits she would respond the same way with her own family, so she’s supportive of his travel plans. This apparently shocks Syngin, too, because instead of stating he’d rather go alone he asks if she’d like to come, and reminds her that she’s his family, too. It’s Tania’s turn to be surprised, since she was thinking what the rest of us at home were: he’s going to bounce. She’s a bit uneasy about joining him, since they’re still having problems, and isn’t flying with a leg injury something that increases the likelihood of a blood clot of her own? I’m not a doctor, but I do know traveling around South Africa with another person literally on your back is a great way to confuse the locals, and all of us at home.
NEXT WEEK: Libby’s dad and bro arrive to be verbally abused by ingrate Andrei while Libby makes faces, Paul continues to deliver on the slapstick by dropping an air conditioner out a window, Michael thinks Angela is going to cook and both of them run from a fly-covered goat head, and Debbie drains the marrow of everyone in Jess’ family.
Thank you, Patreon supporters! For recaps of The Other Way: patreon.com/fractalfay
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Review Of Hawaii And NCL's Pride Of America

I just got back and a friend who is taking the exact same cruise and is also cost conscious asked me to give him all my lessons learned. I figured you all might benefit even if some of this information isn't strictly about cruising. I'm going to ask my travel companions to review it (first time in Hawaii and first time cruising) to see if they have anything to add.

Getting There And Getting Around

Air Fare
With Southwest now offering tickets to Hawaii, I expect the competitive market to drop prices across the board but unless you are fortunate enough to live on the west coast in a city with flights that fly direct, air fare can be pricey. I had to get 4 people there round-trip (2 from rural Maine, 1 from Louisville Kentucky and 1 from the Baltimore/D.C. area). I ended up signing up for the Chase Sapphire credit card (annual fee waived for the first year) and the Alaska Airlines credit card that gave me a buy one/take one sign up offer. My total air fare cost was $2400. Besides the credit card, there was no secret other than monitoring the prices as far in advance as possible to see what typical prices are and then striking when there was a decent sale. I would also mention following Scott's Cheap Flights on the off chance a deal becomes available for when you were already planning on traveling.
Ground Transportation
We flew into Waikiki on Tuesday (cruise started on Saturday) so I got a rental car through Autoslash. The total cost for a mid-size for 4 days was $176 and ended up being from Alamo. While I feel this was a good deal as I had four people, if you're not 100% sure you will need it - you can probably get by with an Uber, taxi or even a hop on/off bus (see excursions later). Many excursions had an option for hotel pickup/drop-off.
Probably the best deal I found was Star Taxi which only charged $25 for up to 4 people one-way to/from the cruise terminal and not much more for other locations. Call 1 hour before you need the service.
Parking
Parking is EXPENSIVE so be sure to do a lot of research if you plan on renting a vehicle.

Oahu

General In your mind, you have this idea of what Hawaii is going to be like. Oahu (specifically Honolulu/Waikiki) is not it. It is very over developed and crowded. Many places are run-down because investors have purchased the property but have chosen to wait until conditions are more favorable to develop. There is a very large homeless population in Hawaii overall but I was shocked by the number of shanty towns and abandoned vehicles doubling as homes I saw on Oahu.
Excursions
Recommendations/Notes

Pride Of America

I have to be honest, this was hands down the most expensive cruise I have taken and it was the worst cruise ship. I had a great time but there was a lot left to be desired.
Update: One thing that really stood out as being a good thing is that the room had 3 US standard outlets!!!
Why Does It Cost So Much
Hint: You should get the NCL Mobile App. It includes dinner reservations, account charges, dinner reservations, deck plans, passenger to passenger chat for an additional fee ($10 vs Carnival's $5) and other nifty features.
Observations
I was astounded by the number of first time cruisers I saw (based on their ship card color). Because so many of the employees were American, I was also surprised by how many told me that they were on their first contract and wouldn't be back. The people (both employees and passengers) were incredibly friendly and most everyone seemed to be having a good time. I didn't see long lines at guest services. I mentioned earlier how this was the worst ship I had been on - and, while true, shouldn't give you the impression that I didn't have a great time. For my traveling companions, they had nothing to compare it to and other than the entertainment - they had no complaints at all and loved it.

Day 1 & 2 Maui (overnight)

If you have ever been on a Caribbean cruise and you didn't feel like paying for an expensive excursion you could always just walk off the ship and go to a beach or a shopping district or a friendly bar - something. This is not the case in Maui. Where the Pride Of America docks there is absolutely nothing (it took 10 minutes to walk out of the port with chained link fence on both sides only to end up about another 10 minutes away from a strip mall). I do want to point out that the strip mall did have a few artisans selling things out on the sidewalk but this was far from what you will be used to at other locations.
So what to do instead?

Day 3 Hilo Hawaii

This is the first of two days on the island of Hawaii and it is on the eastern (very wet) side of the island. Normally doing two excursions in one day is a not recommended. I would make an exception here because the Botanical Gardens are not to be missed. It is a short excursion (2.5 hours), is relatively inexpensive (you can even do it on your own) and is offered at multiple times allowing you to get another excursion in.
Recommendations

Day 4 Kona Hawaii

The other side of the island is a stark contrast to Hilo as it is dry/desert climate. It is the only tender port on the cruise. Unfortunately, we didn't fare very well here on excursions but shopping and beer was good.
It has been on my bucket list to be in a real submarine and go over 100 feet to below the surface to the ocean floor. That's what 3 of us did here in Kona and while I am glad that I can now say I have done it (105'), the experience itself was underwhelming. To not interfere with the wildlife, the sub doesn't use any artificial lights nor does anything to attract the fish to your windows. This means almost everything is a monochrome blue (the color red doesn't exist at this depth for instance). It's also nearly impossible to get nice photos out the windows even though they are clear enough - just not the right conditions. Now, I met a guest back on the ship that said he had a phenomenal time on a sub that wasn't sponsored through NCL but I'm not sure what it was.
The other guest in my party decided to go on the Gold Coast & Cloud Forest excursion and was also not impressed. The gold supposedly comes from the Hawaii state fish (yellow trigger fish also known as humuhumunukunukuāpuaʻa) but apparently they haven't been plentiful enough to turn the coast gold for years. She also said if she was a coffee drinker, she probably would have enjoyed it more (they are famous for their coffee).
Recommendations

Day 5 & 6 Kauai (Overnight)

Remember how I said you have this ideal image in your head of what Hawaii is and Oahu doesn't meet it. Kauai exceeds it - I fell in love and if I ever go back, I will just fly directly here and stay on this island - it is that good.
I am not going to suggest you do anything other than exactly what I did because I couldn't possibly imagine having a better time.
Recommendations
Now, there's more to the story than just these two excursions. First, since you're overnight you can stay out as late as you want. I asked our tour guide where an affordable place to get good beer close to the ship was. She recommended The Nawiliwili Tavern (or just the Tavern). It happens to be a 2 minute walk from one of the free shuttle stops and they have great pizza, beer and pool. Secret I learned this is also where a lot of the crew from the ship hang out after they get off at 9PM so if you want to have a real conversation and ask real questions - this is the place to do it. Once the bartender realized I was into craft beer and trying all they had, she told me about a brew pub not too far up the road that I really wanted to try but ran out of time.

Napali Coast (still day 6)

The cruise ship leaves port early (circa 2PM) and instead of heading to Honolulu backtracks around Kauai. There is a portion of the island that's only reachable by air (helicopter) or by sea (cruise ship) and I was fortunate enough to do both. Actually, our pilot said that a few of the beaches can be reached by a hiking 11+ miles but it isn't an easy hike. In any event, this is where the opening scenes of Jurassic Park were filmed if I remember correctly - utterly gorgeous. My pilot also let me in on a little secret - that the captain times the cruise ship to sunset when the coast is all lit up in spectacular colors so be out on deck with camera ready.

Day 7 - Honolulu (Pearl Harbor & City Tour)

I made a big mistake here. I booked a late flight so I could go to Pearl Harbor and then get dropped off at the airport. We had already done the Circle Island Tour and none of the other offerings were of interest. This was a mistake for two reasons.
Reason 1: Exhaustion
After having spent 5ish days in Waikiki and then taking a 7 day cruise, we were wiped out and really didn't have the stamina to really take it all in.
Recommendations
Reason 2: Airport
If you have a late flight home, I'm sorry. All of your checked bags have to be screened by agriculture (certain plants are not allowed to leave the state) which is airline specific and unless that airline is running flights all day (looking at you Alaska), then you will have to wait for them to open before you can even check in. While you wait, there is essentially no place to eat (Starbucks and a bar that serves hot dogs for $12.50 - yes, $12.50). I recommend you keep some food with you for this reason. They do offer a baggage hold service but the prices were ridiculous (4 checked bags for 24 hours was $100). Sorry if it seems like I am whining - it was the end of a long trip and I was returning to reality.

Update: Viator

In this post, I have provided a number of links to NCL's excursions, directly to the vendor and also to Viator. Viator is part of Tripadvisor and generally speaking, you can trust the reviews. On most of the bookings, you can cancel for a full refund up to 24 hours in advance. They are competitively priced and you can usually get a discount. For instance, new customers will get offered a 10% discount off their first purchase. Companies like Ebates and TopCashBack will offer an additional 3 to 6% cash back as well. Use a credit card that gives back 2-4% on travel and it can really reduce the price. I haven't had too much trouble figuring out what vendor was being used through Viator so you could just book with them direct too and just use them as a way to find fun things to do and use the reviews to distinguish between what's good and what's not.
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